I remember it as if it was yesterday. I was a new mom. My son had just turned 2 months old. I was getting dressed and looking at myself in the mirror. And then it happened....
I started on that all too familiar conversation with myself in the mirror. I started to find absolutely everything wrong about my body....I couldn't fit into my skinny jeans, my boobs were lopsided, my stomach was hanging over, I didn't like my ankles or thighs, did I have more wrinkles, I wish I was thinner (for pete sake.....I just had a baby and my body was still healing). And then it happened...I looked over and saw my son on the floor and he was beaming at me with all the joy, and magic, and gratitude and adoration he had. This little being was adoring me.
And in that moment.....A light bulb went on!
If I just spent 5 minutes missing out on receiving that what else am I missing out on because I'm more interested in judging the crap out of my body, thinking I'm not pretty enough, skinny enough, thin enough.
I spent 20 years of my life hating my body, trying every fad diet and exercise gimmick and infomercial gadget you could think of. I bought it hook line and sinker....
And every time I thought...
"This is it"
This time I'm going to get in shape, I'm going to eat all the right foods, I'm going to go to the gym, take care of my body, not over eat. This time things will change.
The feeling of being fed up enough would force me to dive full force into my new plan.....and it would last a few hours, a few days, and if I was lucky a few weeks (but those were far and few between).
And then life would set in and I'd be back to judging the crap out of myself, my body, my thighs...I never quite felt comfortable in my clothes and I was always worrying about what people thought about my butt. Was it cute enough, was I skinny enough, could they see the cellulite through my clothes?
And after 20 years, nothing changed. I still secretly felt like crap about my body.
And so on that fateful day with the light bulb moment where I realized that I was probably missing out on a lot of things I didn't even realize....
I made a decision to STOP....no matter WHAT.....I wasn't allowed to Judge myself......for an entire year!
Something HAD TO CHANGE!!
So began my journey of what I now call the No Judgment Diet.....A journey into a different possibility.
That year changed my life. I ate whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted...and I enjoyed it...like totally orgasmically indulged in the flavors, the sensations, the joy of food. And funny thing, what I gravitated towards eating totally changed. I started to have more joy, and I realized I stopped planning my life around food, meals, time, etc.
I started creating my life based on the space. You see when I made a demand to stop judging myself no matter what...I wasn't allowed to look in the mirror and create a judgment...
In fact every time I did I had to stop myself and think of something generative to say about myself and my body....I'd pick things that at the time were believe...
I'd say things like:
You have a pretty smile. I like your freckles. You have beautiful eyes.....and that was about it...then I started to say....you're an awesome athlete. I am glad you're strong. You birthed a baby at home....
Eventually, over time, I was able to start to find other areas on my body that I could be grateful for and believe it (there was no faking it til I made it....I tried that...and it never worked)
10 months had gone by and I realized that I had spent the majority of my life missing out on so many amazing possibilities because I was too busy making sure that I knew how not pretty, skinny, cute I was.
I realized when I wasn't busy judging the size of my thighs, or the backs of my legs, or the shape of my boobs, that i had all this space to create my life.
I built a six figure business in less than 10 months while nursing an infant. It was then that i took a huge breath and enveloped myself in the gratitude.
Gratitude for my life, my creations, my tenacity, my strength, my vulnerability, and my courage.....and dare I say gratitude for my body.
When I stopped judging me then I could truly begin to love the skin I was in.
Not only did I create an international business, but I had also created a body that I was proud of.
Judgment and making a choice to stop judging you, your body, or your size is a choice. When you stop judging you, then you can begin to follow your awareness of what's actually true for you.
Life has a whole new meaning and I truly believe that when women (and men) stop judging themselves, their bodies, their weight, their finances, then they can create a life and living that is full of joy, gratitude, and possibilities.
If you'd like to join me for a conversation about how letting go of judgment can create your life and living, I'll be live on Voice America - The Beyond Abuse Revolution with Dr. Lisa Cooney.
Join me and Dr. Lisa November 1st at 11am MST
What would it be like if you stopped abusing you?
Katherine McIntosh is a fierce creator that believes anything is possible...dreams really do come true, and if it's inside of you, you have the capacity to actualize it!!!